Ask Auntie Carlisle: London Extravaganza!
by Robyn-Enjolras
Summary: from the authors of the acclaimed "Ask Auntie Carlisle". To Edward and Carlisle's dismay, the Cullens all go to London instead of opening a restaurant in Santa Fe. i'm really bad at titles. do you have any ideas? CarxEs, JazzxHuck Finn, and others!


A/N: So school is almost out and our field hockey coach decided to sprain her ankle. That means that I have a little more time to write now!  
I would've normally put this under the pen-name where the rest of these fics are (Jasper-and-Carlisle), but Julie doesn't know that I'm writing this mostly on my own. So I'm putting it here! Huzzah!

FUN FACT: "Big River" is the best musical ever. Ever. Listening to it right now.  
Ever.

DISCLAIMER: Don't own Twilight or anything (but I am buying the special edition of Eclipse today! Would you believe that I actually don't own any of the books? -gets tomatoes thrown at- BUT I BORROWED THEM! -brushes of tomato- from my field hockey captain. -gets another tomato thrown- WHO MADE ME READ THEM! -tomato throwing ceases- Phew. Kay. And I don't own "Big River" or "The Hunt for Red October" or "Four for Texas" or anything else that isn't mine.

ADVICE: I would suggest reading the other Auntie Carlisles before reading this. But you don't have to. Just saying...

* * *

Dear Carlisle,

What's your middle name? Is it something inspirational like Rebecco, Leo, Jarrko… Edward, even? I need to know.

--Evengi the Bungee/Linguini/Evengi

Dear Evengi,

I think you mean Evgeni, you dyslexic (alliterating?) kitty, you.

I can't say that it's Rebecco, or even that I've heard that name before. But I like it. I think I'm gonna change my middle name to Rebecco. Carlisle Rebecco Cullen. It has a ring, doesn't it?

But, no, my middle name is William Shakespeare. Yes, that's right. Count 'em.

I don't think I'll be forgetting it anytime soon…

* * *

**WHAT ARE THOSE CRAZY CULLENS DOING…?**

I was upstairs writing angry letters to CBS and Fox for canceling "Moonlight" and "New Amsterdam", respectively. At first, I could not believe the conversation that drifted up to my ears from my wife and son downstairs.

"So… why are we going to England again?" Edward sighed.

"'Cause you gave Carlisle those tickets to Santa Fe," Esme responded matter-of-factly.

"But those were for _Santa Fe_! Not London or whatever…"

"That's why I exchanged them. Cheezus, Edward…" Esme shook her head.

"I think some of Skanky's stupidity has rubbed off on you!" Rosalie giggled.

I quietly laughed at Rosalie's comment. And then it hit me.

England?

"ESME ANNE PLATT Evanson CULLEN!" I hollered as I zoomed down the stairs.

"Hiya!" she smiled.

"I don't really want to go to England. Bad times, remember?" I could've hyperventilated.

"But there are double-decker buses now! And Andrew Lloyd Webber! And—" Esme started.

"ZOMFGBBQ ANDY LLOYDIZIES WEBBAH!" squealed Jasper, who decided to, like a cow, walk out of the abyss. Then he began to sing 'Music of the Night.'

"You're done," I glared at him. His bottom lip wobbled and ran away crying about how I hated him 'cause he didn't have a car. Creep.

Esme looked around sneakily and thrust a plane ticket into my palm.

"We're leaving tomorrow," she smiled.

Alice yelled from the top of the stairs, "SHOPPING SPREE IN LONDON! EEP!" Then she went back to and bought everything in Classic Black.

I sighed, and Esme reminded me that it was cheaper to get a flight with no movie. So I had to be extra nice to Jazz so he would let me borrow his portable DVD player. You'd think that with all this money I would have one of my own by now, but no. Vera Bradley has taken control over everyone in my house except Jasper. Even Edward has a murse (man-purse) in the very masculine color of Yellow Bird. Jasper decided to spend his money on a DVD player. Way to go, kid.

Jasper hadn't been too happy with me ever since we had watched 'Four for Texas' on Turner Classic Movies two weeks ago with Edward. Y'see, the movie takes place in Galveston, and Edward and I were making fun of it. Jazz told us to stop. And we didn't. So he went up to his room and decided to be annoying and listen to the original Broadway cast of "Big River"…

Really loud.

* * *

**FLASHBACK**

"Galveston is where all the crooks were… well, are," Frank Sinatra said as the TV screen showed us Hollywood's version of Jasper's beloved town.

"LAWL!" Edward exploded into an uncontrollable fit of laughter.

"Ed, don't," Jazz whispered.

"GALLLVESTON!" Edward screeched.

I could not suppress a giggle.

"Guys, stop."

"Why, howdy-doo, ma'am. Ahm Mayjuhr Jazzpahr Witlahk. May ah help y'all to yonder veranda?" I managed.

"Nice! But British accents don't really work with Southern ones," Edward nodded. Then laughed again.

"STOP IT!" Jasper ran upstairs and slammed his door shut. He turned on 'Big River', "LOOK-A HERE, HUCK, DO YOU WANNA GO TO HEAVEN? DO YOU WANNA GO TO HEAVEN, WELL I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW: You better learn your readin' and you better learn your writin'. Or you'll never get to Heaven 'cause YOU WON'T KNOW HOW!"

"Jazz, stop we were kidding! Come back down!" I yelled.

"'Tom Sawyer was always putting his two cents in, too, sayin' I should be more like the fellers in those adventure books he always be readin'."

"He just proved our point by singing in a Southern accent. Singing the frikkin Huckleberry Finn musical!" Edward giggled.

"I HATE YOU ALL!" Jazz shouted. He turned down the volume a little and did not talk to us for the rest of the day.

**END FLASHBACK**

* * *

"Jazz?" I called as I knocked softly on his door.

"What?" he answered flatly.

"Can I come in for a sec?"

"No. Communist."

Did I mention that Jasper doesn't like Communists ever since we watched "The Hunt for Red October"? Man, I have seen way too many movies with that kidderoo.

"Oh, don't do this! It's important," I sharply banged a fist against the white wooden frame.

He finally opened his door, "What can I do for you, sir?"

"Can I borrow your DVD player for the—"

"No," and he began to slam his door.

"Wait!" I put my hand in front of it just in time, "We can watch any movie you want."

An evil grin spread across his face, "_Any?!_"

"Yes. Any," I sighed, regretting what I said already.


End file.
